I mean to post this yesterday, but the no-good, very bad mood made an appearance and I probably would have gone all Queen of Hearts, shrieking, "Off with their heads!" at everyone and their stylists.

Come to think of it, I may still do that, but at least I do it with a clear mind.

Okay, first things first: Tilda Swinton-- or as the Fug Girls have dubbed her-- SWINTON. Really, she's deserving of a single word moniker.

Her outfit, predictably, was tragic, but in such a Swinton-esque sort of way and I mean, seriously, she's SWINTON. She doesn't CARE. Frankly, I was so shocked she was even wearing lipstick that it momentarily distracted me from the dress which was clearly constructed from last year's dress (the skirt) and... a sheet? I mean, who cares? What I was stunned by, aside from the lipstick and the sheer awfulness of it, was the fact that her hair perfectly matched the shade of the top. And pretty damned close to matching the background. Impressive, SWINTON.



Now, the red carpet people, at least a couple of them. Lisa Rinna surprised me... the gown was lovely. Ladylike and demure, even. Nice color, even with her fake bake tan, the cleavage wasn't too overt, no crotch-high slits, and nary a puss print in sight.



Then we got to her head...



Really... I have no words. God love her, she can't leave well enough alone, can she? Has to find some way to look like an unemployed porn star.

Then there was Mary Hart. Um, Mary? Scarlett O'Hara called. She wants her drapes back.



( Now, as for the rest of y'all... )

Okay. Beyoncé-- we know your mother designs clothes. She just doesn't design them well. And when she's stolen the fabric off the formal living room sofa, it's time to say, "Yo, mama... no." Plus, girl, we know you got hips. Google Earth knows you got hips. Think you could step away from the trumpet cut? You're not Celia Cruz. You're not Etta James. Maybe in time you'll be remembered as a legend, but somehow, I doubt it. I could be wrong. However, I'm fairly certain this is not something you can force. So stop. And return the sofa to the White House. I'm sure the Obamas are missing it.

Not to mention, who the hell poses like this? Seriously, just stop.



On the other hand, well DONE, Taraji. (I knew there was a stunner I'd forgotten.) Just look at how gorgeous she looks!



And my winner for the evening? C'mon, y'all had to guess by now. Kate. I love EVERYTHING about this. Love the color, love the cut (yay for strong-shouldered girls!), love the overlay and embellishments. And she won! Yay, Kate!




Somehow, not seeing this one go up for auction, but who knows?

Somehow, not seeing myself able to afford it, even if it does go up for auction. I'm nuts, but not that nuts.

Yep, yep, yep.... pretty men in formal wear make Barb a little woozy and weak in the knees and sends her mind diving straight for the gutter.

Starting with Hugh, who, as a friend said, "No matter what he does, Hugh is one sexy bitch."

A-men



Speaking of sexy bitches, there were a couple of the older generation variety. Aging like a fine, fine wine, Sidney, Ben, and Frank.



( Lotsa boys in formalwear. Come on and look... )

Finally, for the Empress, her newest Boy Crush, Dev Patel from the "won everything in sight" Slumdog Millionaire.



And now, I leave you on this lovely Monday with one of the mostly singularly funny opening montages in Oscar history-- the "Recession hit montage."

You know, scientists? That cloning thing? Get ON with it. I need a Hugh of my own.



Fashions later.

I know I said I probably wouldn't be doing this until Wednesday, but some of my outrage must be vented or the plane might implode tomorrow. I mean, seriously—even being unsure if the awards were going to go off until the last minute, this was the best most of these people could do?

In a word, meh. Of course, there were some absolute standouts, but when I'm sitting there thinking that Cameron Diaz isn't looking that bad? Come ON. You know it's a weak year. Overall, it was just a lot of safe choices—lot of black strapless, lot of mermaid cuts, and the people who thought they were being daring chose red, which meant we had a lot of red, therefore, not so much with the daring.

Okay, we'll start with the one that I'm sure everyone is talking about. I know that Empress (aimeejmc) was screaming every bit as hard as I was and she came up with the perfect description for this look—the Clam Breasts in a Grecian Urn. Why yes, I'm talking about Jennifer Hudson. On the local post-show wrap up here in SoCal, designer Randolph Duke was trying to be kind; when asked to compare last year's look to this year's, he stammered and finally said, "Well, she wore jersey last year. She wore jersey again this year. It was brown last year."

Because if he had really said what he was thinking? I'm sure we'd still be there.

Anyhow:



Yes, the dress really is cut out on the sides. God love her for confidence. But even the most confident person on the planet has to know when something looks good and when it doesn't. That?

Doesn't.

To counter that, one of my favorites and quite possibly my favorite of the many, many, MANY black dresses. Penelope Cruz. Actually, seeing some different photos of it, it was actually navy. A really deep, deep navy. That happened a lot this year. Laura Linney I also thought was in black, but turned out it was navy. And I was watching in Hi-def—that should tell you how navy it was. Anyhow, I loved the hair, and the slight Victorian drape to the skirt. About the only thing I didn't care for were the feathers along the edge of the bodice.



( I'll put the rest of my rantings behind the cut. )

One I was absolutely thrilled to see win—Marion Cotillard for La Vie en Rose. Watching her unmitigated shock and joy at winning reminded me of how I felt last year at the RITAs. And I love and adore Cate Blanchett all the more for looking almost as happy for Marion. Truly a class act. Like a true Frenchwoman, Marion had one of the most unique gowns of the evening, a Jean-Paul Gaultier who winked at the whole mermaid thing by layering this beautiful dress with fish scale embroidery. Definitely puts it amongst my favorites of the evening.



ETA: Katherine Heigl, who of course, also had one of the most rockin' red dresses of the evening and earns extra props for pulling off the complete look of Thirties glam and pulling it off exceedingly well. I can only put down my not posting it this morning to not enough coffee yet.



The Queen. I absolutely love, adore, and covet this dress. I know there are some who didn't care for it, but I don't care. It was perfection. It was the most unique of the reds, with the silver sleeves and she had her own wink and nod by saying she's currently working on a film where she's playing a madam, so she's allowing the bordello influence. Helen, you can do pretty much whatever you damn well please, darling. I wanna look like her when I grow up.



And yes, I'll be checking out Clothes Off Our Back in the coming days to see who's ponied up their gowns. Although I'm almost positive I'm going vintage for the RITAs this year, you just never know what might catch my eye.

Back to my last day of vacation. Cabana Boys upon my return.

*SMOOCHIES*

It's a catfight between two divas--André Leon Talley and Jennifer Hudson. According to Media Bistro,

Newly-minted Oscar winner Jennifer Hudson might have been awarded the coveted gold statuette for Best Supporting Actress for her performance in Dreamgirls, but she came up the evening's biggest fashion loser, thanks to her style mentor Andre Leon Talley of Vogue. Now the former BFFs are in the middle of a couture catfight that could become a public relations nightmare for the fashion bible.



( The rest of the sordid chisme behind the cut )

Okay, now, I haven't been a big fan of Ms. Hudson's the last few awards shows, but in her defense, why shouldn't she say that she wishes she'd worn something different? I get where she's coming from-- she's new to the scene-- she's relying on other people to make choices for her and she's being faced with choices she couldn't have even begun imagining even a year ago, so it's easy for someone with an overpowering personality and supposed stret cred *coughandreleontalleyhackcough* to bully a neophyte.

However, Miss Thing was smart enough to catch wind of the giggling and took steps to remedy it-- me? I would've been saying I'd had my eyes dilated that day and had no idea what the hell I was putting on.

It was my Super Bowl of fashion last night-- settled in bed with my tea and cookies and just had an orgy of couture-gazing. Had some pleasant surprises (Helen Mirren is and always will be the Queen) and some not-so-pleasant surprises. (Nicole, what were you thinking, girl?)

( Further observations behind the cut-- with pictures! )

( Then there were the ones that I was on the fence about )

( The ones that utterly worked for me. )

Well, that's it, unless I see any other pictures that trigger thoughts/memories. Anyone wanna weigh in? Tell me I'm crazy? Go for it!